24: Crazy (Fear)ce

24. 2018. Both the same year in my world. Both a year of constantly feeling fearful, crazy, and or fierce all at the same time or one after the other. Life is unpredictable and everchanging. I like to know things and stay where I am. 24 didn’t tell me anything until after it happened and rarely let me stay in the same place doing the same thing for longer than a few moments at a time. 24 was a year of drama. Family drama. Financial drama. Apartment drama. Just drama. I spent a lot of time praying and texting my best friend for support and prayers, and sometimes texting my other best friends and blogging for some sort of comprehension into my crazy life. I wrote a lot of songs about feeling fearful, crazy, and fierce. I listened to the same 15 to 30 songs over and over and over again without really listening to much else. And I may or may not have broken down a lot this year. Seriously, I didn’t even fangirl much this year. That’s how crazy it’s been.

To be honest, as I look back on this year, it’s probably been emotionally on par with my junior year of high school. When I was a junior in high school, I found myself struggling with depression and self-harm pretty much every single day. At 24, I felt myself on the edge of fighting the same battle almost every day as well. 24 was different though. Junior year was a year of brokenness that I gave into. As I broke, I gave in and grew weak. I focused on my depression, I lived in a constant state of anxiety, and I physically harmed myself regularly just to feel something different than the ache in my soul. 24 was a year of brokenness that I fought. When I felt depressed and anxious or was tempted to give in to the destructive addiction that is self-harm, I found other ways to cope. I reached out to my best friend, I wrote music and or blog posts, I listened to one or both of my main playlists, “Be Still” and “Fierce,” and or I let myself fangirl a little harder over old fandoms just so I could focus on something other than life’s craziness.

24 took me on a rollercoaster full of twists and turns that turned my finances, my family, and my feelings upside down and all around. Every day, often multiple times a day, I looked for a rainbow or sunshine or even just a glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. Every night I felt like I was just getting closer and closer to eternal darkness. Every once in a while though, I saw a small ray of sunshine as the storm clouds just barely parted just enough for me to remember darkness can never last forever. New friends left their sparkle in my life, old friends reminded me who and Whose I am, and kids and teens reminded me to have faith and look for beauty.

24 did leave me often feeling depressed and anxious. It often had me so worried and stressed that I didn’t even finish one tv series in the whole 365 days of the year, I barely watched any movies, and I only read a few books. My fangirl game for 24 was majorly lacking. That may seem silly, but when you’re known as the fangirl, it says a lot. Even still, 24 taught me that I am so much stronger than I used to be, so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. If you had told me my junior year that life would get better and I would get stronger, then I wouldn’t have believed you. If you had told me senior year that if I ever fell into a state of darkness again, then I’d be strong enough not to give in, then I also wouldn’t have believed you. Heck, even if you had told me at 23 or 24 that I’d be strong enough to fight through darkness that could rival my junior year, then I for sure wouldn’t have believed you. Here I am though. I’m 25 and I made it through the darkness of 24 without giving in and while fighting for my life at every turn. I cried out to Jesus and gave my darkness to Him. I learned to cope in a healthy way by praying and asking for prayer. I even let myself feel the hurt and the pain and the darkness whenever necessary. I grew a lot at 24. I learned a lot too.

24 taught me that Mosaic MSC is right. Jesus does make the darkness tremble. 24 taught me there is strength in vulnerability and weakness. 24 taught me that even in fear and anxiety I am brave and strong. 24 taught me that reaching out for help, even simply asking for prayer or an ear to listen is not weakness, but strength. 24 taught me that when I let God work for me, He never gives me more than “I” can handle. 24 also taught me that family isn’t who you’re related to by blood but who you’re related to by His blood. Without music and without my church family, I wouldn’t have made it through 24 without majorly crashing and burning. With music and my church family, I was able to tuck my wings in as they carried me through the trenches and flew for me.

As I head into 25 and 2019, I’m not going to set any New Year’s goals. Instead, I’m just going to rest and rise like a Phoenix from the ashes of 24. I’m going to keep track of the things I do in 2019. I’m going to keep track of how I feel at the end of every day at 25. And, I’m going to enjoy life as it happens. Whether good or bad, I’m going to thank God for every day and remember that even on my worst days, He and His people are with me.

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