May 31, 2018

I woke up at 10:30 and realized my clothes needed to be rewashed because I left them in the washing machine over night, so I didn’t get to go driving for lunch, because my clothes weren’t clean.

Naomi needed her gym shorts brought to her, so I took them. Then, I took Bonnie to Chick-fil-A and brought her over to watch Beauty and the Beast and we colored. Then, I took her to the park where Mom and had the other kids.

I picked up Lydia and Naomi and we also went to Chick-fil-A. Then, I came home, took a shower, and sat here on my phone for nearly 2 hours. I was supposed to be reading “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark,” but apparently I’m too tired for that. So, even though it’s only 8:52, I’m going to bed.

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May 30, 2018

I woke up and went to drive Uber. I enjoyed my new working air conditioner in my car! I picked up Lydia and Naomi from school. I went back to Uber. I continued and finished reading Ever After High. I started listening to Artemis Fowl. The guy’s voice isn’t nearly as annoying as I thought from the sample. I started reading the McNamara book about the Golden State Killer. I drew an Alice in Wonderland picture.

Darkness, the Unknown, and Surprises

During worship at church a couple months ago, our worship team introduced this song to the congregation. My best friend Shelby was leading worship that morning and reminded us of being little kids who were afraid of the dark until we turned on our night lights and could see enough that things weren’t so scary anymore. Then, she compared the night light to Jesus. Just like the night light, but even better, we don’t have to fear anything, because Jesus is the Light that shines through our darkest nights.

In Harry Potter, Harry and Remus Lupin are having a conversation. Lupin looks at Harry and in the same way he often does, he gives him fatherly advice. He tells him, “It is the unknown we fear in death and darkness, nothing more.” I found this simple statement to be very profound.

In my favorite show, Heartland, the main girl, Amy, freaks out when she finds out her sister, Lou, and their grandpa Jack know her boyfriend, Ty, is going to propose and don’t tell her. The whole thing is completely irrational. She knows that, I know that, and everyone else in the show and who has seen it knows it too. And yet, she still freaks out. She still demands to know why they didn’t tell her he was going to propose. It’s absolutely ridiculous, but not an uncommon reaction.

I grew up with twelve younger brothers and sisters and we only had three bedrooms in our home. One for our parents and the baby, another for the boys, and the last for the girls. With so many little kids in our room, we always slept with a nightlight. Now, as an adult, I still can’t sleep without a light on. Part of the reason is due to habit, but another part is due to my irrational fear of the unknown parts of darkness. When Shelby made the comparison of night lights and Jesus, it really hit home for me. I still sleep with a nightlight, so it was easy for me to see the analogy. Jesus is the much more powerful night light of my life. And thank God for that, because I also totally relate to Lupin’s quote about darkness and the unknown. I can’t stand the unknown.

Honestly, I’m fine with not being in control. I don’t like leading and I’d probably mess everything up if I tried leading my own life anyway. What I’m not always so fine with is not knowing what’s going to happen next or how it’s going to happen. I know God will provide for me. He always has and He always will. I just wish He would also show me the blueprints every now and then. That’s not how God works though and today I realized maybe that’s because He wants to give us a happy surprise. Like Ty, Lou, and Jack, for Amy, God wants me to be happy—not always in the way I think is best, but always in the way He knows is best. Sometimes, me being happy means waiting for Him to surprise me with a gift even better than a diamond ring—though I sure do hope that’s in my future too someday.

A few months ago, the AC went out in my car. It wasn’t that big of a deal, because it was winter, but I live in Texas. More days than not, it’s in the 90’s and feels like the 100’s and my primary job is for Uber Eats so I’m in the car for several hours a day. The problem is, I’ve only just had enough money to pay my regular bills the past several months. I couldn’t possibly see how I would be able to pay to fix my air conditioner. While I was stressing and fussing about how I had no idea how it could be fixed before the worst days of summer, I nearly ruined a beautiful surprise God had for me.

Sunday afternoon, my pastor noticed I had a box fan in my car. Naturally, he put two and two together to realize I didn’t have a working AC. He quickly told me he would talk with the guy who is basically our church mechanic—nearly everyone goes to Him when we’ve got car problems—and said they would take care of it for me. Then, he offered to let me use his mostly unused extra car until it was fixed. At first, I rejected the offer to use his car and kind of wanted to say no to him fixing my car. Part of it was a pride issue—but that’s a post for another time—and part of it was just me being irrational. I was so consumed with wanting to know why God wouldn’t tell me how He would provide for me, that I nearly ruined His surprise fix.

Barely over 48 hours later, I was pulling away from my pastor’s house and these three concepts I’ve been dwelling on suddenly came together. Because Jesus is the Light in darkness, I should embrace the surprises He has in store for me instead of freaking out and fearing the unknown.

*Bonus* Remember, the passions and people in your life are gifts from God. He’s totally okay with you having passions and loving people, in fact, He made you that way. Just be careful to acknowledge Him as the Giver and them as the gift when He speaks through your passions and people. I know He wants to use our passions and people to speak to us because that’s almost always how He speaks to me, but we have to be careful when He does. We have to remember, they are simply the burning bushes God uses to share His presence and power with us.

May 24, 2018

I woke up and drove for Uber. Then, I went to the library to find the Artemis Fowl audiobooks. I had to order them from a different location, so now I have to wait.

I walked Lydia and Naomi home from school, then I went back out to Uber.

I’ve officially started a reading list again. It’s on Goodreads, instead of just my head now, so I can’t forget I have read and what I want to read. Haha.

May 23, 2018

I woke up to find my car insurance had been canceled because I didn’t make a payment. So, I spent 6+ hours online and on various phone calls trying to figure out the best way to get new insurance. As it turned out, the cancellation was a blessing in disguise. I was able to get way cheaper insurance through USAA. On top that reduction, I also got discounts based on having an established relationship with them through me checking and savings accounts AND I was able to sign up for cheaper rental insurance through then for the apartment! 😁❤️ God truly works in mysterious ways!

The downside is that I missed working through the lunch rush for Uber, but that’s okay because I met my pay needed for rent yesterday! So, for the rest of the month, I’ll be able to put money toward savings until I have to pay my credit cards again! 🙂

At home, I arranged my bookcases and rocking chair to have a reading nook in the corner of my bedroom. I’ve really missed reading and being the girl who always has book in her bag or hands! I’m going to try to get back in the habit of reading all the time instead of watching TV all the time.

I started listening to the Harry Potter audiobooks again. Haha. I also continued reading Bertha about the Rome, GA murder from the 40’s. Murder mysteries are also exciting, but they’re even better when they’re true crime, and they’re best when they’re true crime from an area you’re familiar with!